And Now, A Public Service Announcement

Last night I began to fill out my work visa for New Zealand. Each page completed filled me with joy, thinking about how quickly time has been moving along and that really, we’ll be there in no time.

Then I got to questions D1 – D2.

“Have you ever been convicted of a crime?”

In most cases, people automatically answer no. I did as well. But then, earlier today I got to thinking about a certain DUI that I had four years ago. Which is on my record. Which the New Zealand Embassy will see when they are determining whether or not I am a good quality character to allow in their land of peace. In a frantic mess, I called the program Kyle & I are going through to New Zealand to see what this all means.

The woman on the phone replied, “answer honestly, you need to get all paperwork regarding your case, stating you owe no money, and show any classes you may have taken”. “I have spoken to people with the same situation as you and in most cases it’s ok”.

Most cases. As in not all, but most.

Four years ago, I was a completely different person.  Well I was me, but a me with a completely different way of thinking and seeing the world.  I wasn’t considering my future self who may have wanted to do exciting fun things like travel and experience the world. My younger alter-ego must have assumed I’d be in the same place, content in doing the same thing.

My DUI has been a prison and the destroyer of any faith my family ever had in me.  Still to this day, they can’t help but feel frightened when I drive at night.  The fees were astronomical. And only up until this past DecemberI have been paying $87.24 each month for co-pays. When that final payment was made, I thought Mr. DUI could finally be put behind me. But it always sneaks up.

I have no plan b. I don’t want a plan b. I want to own my life, but sadly the DUI always will. My mom tried to reassure me with thoughts that many people in my age group have them & that it’s not so un-common. And that if I am meant to be in New Zealand, I will.

 But what if they don’t want me? What will Kyle do? I’d want him to go still, but I don’t think he’d want to take our dream adventure alone. Once again I’ll be hurting the people closest to me.  It’s a cycle it seems, never failing to take one more crack at breaking my heart and ruining everything.

And the worst t part of all is that it is ALL my fault. I turned the key. I drank and drive. And now I am possibly screwed. And then I’ll be starting from square one again.

Great. Just Great.

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