I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about life and the idea that there is something specific that each of us are meant to do. Why else would we be created “just so” if there wasn’t a bigger plan than this?
While walking along Madison Avenue on Friday, I was busy filling in Andrew (this guy I recently started dating) on my night prior at the Russian Samavor with The Splenda Stealer & her friend Chris. I told him about the last time I saw Chris and how he waited just the right moment til I was borderline drunky to drop the BIG question bomb on me:
So tell me, what are your passions?
I cried. I cried because I don’t think I have a passion. I would probably know if I did
Andrew was amazed and dumbfounded by this and I immediately felt ashamed in some way becuase I guess he automatically assumed I was a passionate person. He is. It is one of the reasons I was initially attracted to him. Andrew bubbles with passion and has these wonderful plans for his artist endeavours. And then here I am. An empty vessel. A hollow of a human being.
I think the only way to truly define the word passion and “get it” is if you actually embody it. And I most certaintly do not. So please, give me a definition because I am at a loss.
I turned to my handy little red dictionary for the technical answer and here is what it has informed me:
Passion: (1) the sufferings of Christ between the night of the Last Supper and his death. (2) strong feelings: the emotions as distinguished from reason. (3) rage, anger. (4) Love: an object of affection or enthusiasm.
Yesterday, The Splenda Stealer and I got to talking about passion and you know what? Maybe the whole concept is over-rated. It seems to me that in order to have passion for something in life, it goes hand in hand with pain and irrational behavior. And I don’t know if I’m cut out for that kind of life. Ughhh how many pretentious-over-the-top-artsies have you heard proclaim to anyone who will listen about “their art” and “their passion this and that”. Does your passion consume life? Does it dilute actual reality? Or is it a double edge sort where you never will be satisfied with or without it?
I can relate to that. There are numerous things in my life that I love and feel a void without it’s presence. Half the time, I wish it would just go away. If it wasn’t there, then I wouldn’t feel empty.
BUT, I always have believed that with passion, talent should follow. Hmmm…. maybe I don’t let my passions bloom because I’m not overly talented in one particular area. I am pretty much average and so-so at many things, but not above average at anything. Or maybe I haven’t found my passion, so in that case have been saving myself for something big.